Russia Sets Another Record: the Longest Blitzkrieg in History, Russians Joke

Paul Goble

            Staunton, April 13 – In late Soviet times, Russians joked that the Kremlin had had its scientists march through Red Square carrying a sign declaring that “the Soviet microchip is the largest microchip in the world.” Now, with Putin’s war in Ukraine extending into its third month, they are saying that Moscow has established a record for conducting the longest blitzkrieg ever.

            In another echo of the Soviet past in Russian humor now, Tatyana Pushkaryova reports in her latest compilation, Russians are now saying that after the May 9 Victory Day parade, “troops of the Russian National Guard will go immediately to the front to disperse unauthorized rallies, demonstrations and individual pickets” (publizist.ru/blogs/107374/42665/-).

            Some of the best from the rest of her compilation this week:

·       Russian censors have decided to demand that Tolstoy’s War and Peace be renamed The Special Operation and Peace.

·       According to the latest VTsIOM poll, 82 percent of Russians support Putin and 83 percent say they are happy. The problem is that 99 percent of the population refused to answer either question.

·       One Jew in Odesa asks another why he has begun to speak Ukrainian. “Aren’t you afraid that the Russians will take you for a Banderite?” His friend responds, “No, I’m afraid that the Russians will come to save me if I don’t.”

·       India is no longer willing to buy Russian oil because of its smell. The only question is what smells: the oil or the politics of the people who pump and sell it.

·       Federation Council chair Valentina Matviyenko says that she was shocked to learn that Russia couldn’t produce even nails on its own. “Welcome to the country where you have been in charge for more than 20 years,” Russians say, adding that “if it weren’t for the special operation and sanctions, you wouldn’t know it yet.”

·       Until recently, Putin TV propagandists at least used words and sentence that allowed what came out of their mouths to resemble human speech. But that stage has passed. Now they are quite ready to utter “triumphant but inarticulate noises.”

·       Meanwhile, Russians say, “Ukrainian teachers in biology classes are now using the skeletons of Russian soldiers as a visual aid” in their classes.

·       The Russian navy found an unexpected but brilliant way to cope with the fire on the Moskva. They sank the ship, and the fire did indeed go out. “We fight well,” Russians say.