Saturday, April 15, 2023

Moscow TV Finds a Way to Cover Putin’s War: Ukraine Suffers ‘Shameful’ Victories while Russia Wins ‘Valiant’ Defeats, Some Russians Now Say

Paul Goble

            Staunton, Apr. 10 – It isn’t easy for Russian state television broadcasters to cover Putin’s war in Ukraine. To begin with, they can’t call it a war. But adjectives help, Russians say. As a result, from now on, Ukraine will suffer only “shameful” victories while Russia will invariably win “valiant defeats.”

            That is only one of the new anecdotes Moscow journalist Tatyana Pushkaryova offers in her latest collection ( Among the best of the rest:

·       The Kremlin is already preparing amendments to the constitution to allow a digital analogue of Putin to remain president forever.

·       The Duma had to choose between three declarations: The people should live well, the people must live, and the people must. To no one’s surprise, the deputies chose the third.

·       Dmitry Medvedev says that when the dollar is worth 666 rubles, then Satan will destroy America.

·       The chronicle of the great friendship between Russia and China. This year, Chinese contractors are building metro tunnels in Moscow. Ten years from now, they will overhaul the Kremlin; and ten years after that they will start maintaining the Russian nuclear shield.

·       Moscow is urging Russians to exchange their foreign currency so as to boost the value of the ruble. But that is a half measure. If the powers really want people to do that, they need to say that Russians have a week to do so or the foreign currency will be confiscated.

·       If free elections are allowed in Russia, ignorant, poorly educated and marginal people will come to power; but if no free elections are allowed, such people will remain in power forever.

·       It took the Kremlin only 13 months to move from saying it needed only military professionals to win in Ukraine to imposing a ban on foreign travel on all draft-age males.

·       The Soviets used to celebrate Cosmonautics Day. Now, Putin has moved things along and the Russians will celebrate Cosmonautics Night.


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