A Baker’s Dozen of Russian Political Anecdotes for 2019

Paul Goble

            Staunton, December 28 – Various Russian publications have compiled year-end lists of the best anecdotes of 2019. Many are revenants from the past, itself a measure of where things are headed in Putin’s Russia, but some are new and also say a lot.  Below are 13 chosen from Maximonline’s extensive list (maximonline.ru/humor/_article/luchshie-anekdoty-2019-goda/).

1.      If a Russian TV personality has his head chopped off, he will continue to talk about Ukraine for another minute.

2.      Russia is such a large country that when it is 10:00 am in Moscow, in Nizhny Tagil, it is still 1994.

3.      When NASA published a color photograph of Pluto, Roskosmos in response published a color photo of Rogozin.

4.      Did you listen to Putin’s message to the Federal Assembly today? No, comes the response, tomorrow I’ll listen to Navalny’s translation.

5.      Now, those who say that the authorities work poorly risk falling under the article of the legal code banning any display of a lack of respect to the powers.  But those who say that the authorities are working well are at risk of being found guilty of spreading fake news.

6.      The parents of one girl loved their daughter so much that they advised her to study philology so that she would always live with them.

7.      What does one call someone who conquers the Arctic and the Antarctic? Bipolar.

8.      Medvedev has said that people must not suffer from rising gas prices, but the Duma has already started work on a law to impose responsibility on those who do.

9.      Citizen, come here. Who are you? I work for the Russian Guard. Show me your documents. I’m not required to. Then, I too am an employee of the Russian Guard. Show me your documents. But I’m not required to.

10.  The Duma proposes prohibiting Russians –details to follow.

11.  Medvedev receives the Russian pupils who’ve won the international Mendeleyev Olympiad in chemistry and says that he wants to wish every success to the future citizens of the EU and the US.

12.  A man applies to work at the Moscow Patriarchate and says he wants to head the holy inquisition. He’s told he’s come several centuries too late – or perhaps three or four years too soon.

13.  What is your superpower? You tell me. Delegating authority? Correct!